The Rest of My Life

"Sleep doesn't help if it's your  soul that's tired." Truth. My soul is definitely tired. The slide started long before my mother passed away but since her passing it's accelerated and seems to have no bottom. Mom's stroke was 3 months ago and she's been gone 2 months now. Some days it doesn't seem real - you wake up and have to wonder for a minute if it was a dream. My childhood home goes on the market tomorrow and that makes the loss that much more real. I've come to realize that mom's passing affected me more than I thought and today I resolved to fight my way out of the abyss. I thought maybe I was depressed but it's really not that. I'm certainly sad that my mom is gone but I can't blame where I am on depression. Really, I feel adrift more than anything else. My life hasn't changed that much but on Saturday's mornings I used to roll out of bed and look forward to those casino trips with mom. Those Saturdays became s...

“The best things in life are the people  we love ,  the places we've been and the  memories we've made along the way. " Yesterday I celebrated a "major" birthday (60) so today really is the start of a new year. I'm sad my mom wasn't here to celebrate with me. She did leave me a gift, purchased before her passing, so that has special meaning. I spent the day at the NYS Fair with my sister and it was nice to get back to this pre-COVID tradition ! Saturday my family surprised me with a dinner cruise on Skaneateles Lake. It was a perfect day and again, we were sad that mom wasn't there to enjoy it with us. I am sure she was with us in spirit. It's the best birthday I've ever had and only my mom's presence could have made it better. Sunday my niece and I went to Turning Stone casino and had a wonderful dinner at Pino Bianco. This was my first "birthday weekend" ! I didn't win at the slots but I had a great time ! Life has changed ...

  Where do I go from here? That question has been swirling around in my mind since my mother's passing. I knew this day would come but it was easier to just push those thoughts away and live in the moment. Well, I can't do that anymore. The day is here. Losing my dad was hard but we still had my mom to lean on and care for, so that lessened the blow a bit. There was no lifeline to hold onto when mom left us. I'm lucky to have my sisters and my brother and their families. We hold each other up. We'll still have those holiday gatherings,  but it won't be the same without mom. We always felt dad's loss more around the holidays and we'll be missing both of them now. I'm glad to have a job that I love and that is busy, because it helps the time pass. I've enjoyed my job more this past year than I ever did, because it brought new challenges. I needed that because it was getting a little monotonous, especially with the isolation of working from home. I rose...

  Saturday was the hardest day of my life. Saturdays are supposed to be my casino day with mom. Instead, w e laid my beautiful mother to rest. She suffered a stroke on July 6 and just wasn't able to overcome the damage it did. She slipped away peacefully on August 8 with family by her side. We take comfort in knowing she is no longer in pain and no longer suffering. She is with my dad again and we will miss her terribly, just as we've missed my dad these past 10 years. The stroke came out of the blue, as they often do. Our family spent 4th of July together and mom got up early that day and made her famous chocolate and banana cream pies. We had a great day listening to music, eating too much and playing games. We certainly never expected it to be the last holiday we spent with her. I'm glad we made a bit of a big deal out of her birthday this year and took her to the steakhouse at Turning Stone casino. We never expected it to be the last birthday we spent with her either. M...

"I've learned over and over that life happens on its own terms, not mine ." It's been a while since I've written. I've been on a bit of a social media break because it was becoming too distracting AND it was demotivating my efforts to get back on track with diet and exercise. I wish I could say I've been completely successful. Truth is, I haven't. My weight is still not where I want it to be, nor is my exercise program. Plain and simple, I let myself go this winter and the journey back is NOT as easy as I thought it would be. Yeah, there were things going on that contributed to my desire to indulge in overeating, but that's really just another in a long line of excuses. Plenty of people cope in other ways. Food is not the only answer. I plan to take steps next winter to avoid a repeat but for right now the focus is on getting the extra pounds off and getting back to my same level of fitness. Sounds easy after everything I've already accomplishe...

  "Success is not final, failure   is not  fatal:  it is the courage  to continue  that counts." This quote is attributed to Winston Churchill and he was certainly right about courage to continue. It took a lot of courage for me to finally address my weight and my financial and physical fitness, and to do it in a public manner. I knew I had to put it out there to help keep me accountable and anyone who actually knows me knew I was extremely overweight, so it really was no secret. It's not like I didn't know how fat I was. It's not like I didn't know my finances were a mess. It's not like I didn't know I was not physically fit. I did know. I knew it for years. Still - to say it out loud was no easy task. For some reason I wasn't able to seriously address any of it until I finally hit the proverbial wall in December 2018. I hit that wall hard and I feel like it was the lowest point of my life. The good news is it's been all uphill since. I've...