Holding On

 “Strength grows in the moments 

when you think you can't go on, 

but you keep going anyway.”

The past few months have been hard, but the past week pushed me to the edge. Thursday 11/17 my heating boiler stopped working. The service guy that came out to fix it got it working but as soon as he left it stopped again. $480 out the window. He couldn't come back that night, so I limped along until the next day. Friday rolled around and he had jobs lined up, so he sent some other guy to my house. That guy got it running but it again stopped soon after he left. I was able to get it running again and had heat all night. Saturday rolled around and no heat again. Nothing I did could get it to run for more than a minute and no one could come out. I ended up holing up in my bedroom with a space heater and my 2 cats since the temp in my house was in the low 50's. I watched Christmas movies all day to pass the time and try to keep my mind off the heating issue. I had no heat on Sunday either and since we were in the midst of a marathon blizzard, no one would come out. I could understand that, I certainly didn't want anyone to risk their life, but wow - talk about feeling incredibly desperate and alone. No heat also meant no hot water, so I couldn't even take a shower to relax. I'm just glad it wasn't cold enough to freeze my pipes ! I really wanted my mother during this time, even though she couldn't have done anything to help. It just would have been nice to have someone to talk to. No matter how old you get the need for your mother never goes away. 

I was able to reach someone Sunday that was willing to come out Monday but we texted back and forth several times throughout the day Sunday, trying to figure out a way to get it to run long enough to heat the house. It felt like someone actually cared, knew what he was doing and wanted to help ! Mind you - this guy was in Utica at a wedding and had to travel back home through awful weather, and still he tried to help via text right up until 5 pm Sunday ! In the end, all of the remote troubleshooting failed so I finally just unplugged the boiler, shut off the thermostats and hunkered down. I'd been up and down the basement stairs 100 times and I was tired. It was 47 degrees in my house when I got up Monday but I knew someone was coming and that gave me hope. The cats and I were warm and safe in my bedroom and that's all that mattered. 

Without going into excruciating detail, all of the issues I've had with this unit since 2018 tie back to the way it is vented. 2 of the 3 techs that have been here said the venting is completely wrong and the cause of all the issues I've had. It's a matter of using 2" pipe for venting instead of 3" AND using the wrong kind of PVC pipe. Sad to think that a 1" difference in pipe size, along with a difference in composition (with minimal cost difference) has cost me well over $1000 in repairs to date, along with a lot of emotional distress. Monday's bill may be hefty but I don't care. I started writing this while my savior heating tech tried to find a way to bypass the current venting and fix all of the damage the improper venting had caused, in order to allow the unit to operate safely. He also told me the unit is too small (140,000 BTU) for the size of my house. I guess they have a 199,000 BTU unit that would be more appropriate, so I may swap it out some day. I'd be happy to give the current guy my business and when it's all said and done, I will certainly shout out the company. 

Monday was the start of my vacation and also brought the end of the blizzard. It was nice to see blue skies and some peeks of sun after a snowy weekend. Winter certainly arrived with a bang in more ways than one ! Another minor stressor during this time was the fact that the guy who plows for me swapped out his truck and was waiting on his plow to be installed. He had a friend plow for me Thursday but the snow piled up every day after that. I have a snow blower, but the heating situation left me mentally unable to even attempt to go out and snow blow. Honestly, I was barely functioning - pretty much just in survival mode and trying to keep it together. There I was with no one to plow and no heat ! Thankfully, he got his plow installed and was able to clear my driveway Monday before the heating guy showed up. I was also able to go outside and clear the steps, sidewalk, side door and in front of my garage with a shovel so I'm in good shape now. Thankfully I didn't need to leave the house during this crazy time and with the weather the way it was, I wouldn't have gone anywhere anyways. 

Monday was just about getting through the day. Minute by minute, hour by hour .. hoping and praying this guy could get my heat running. It's not all bad .. because I am blessed enough to not have to worry about how I'm going to pay for the repairs. Doesn't matter if it's hundreds or thousands - that is the only tiny bit of "peace of mind" that I have had throughout this ordeal. Yes - ordeal. It may sound dramatic but having no heat for days in the midst of a blizzard is not fun. With heat I'd have enjoyed lounging on the couch in the glow of my tree, watching Christmas movies with my cats while it snowed outside. Instead, my bewildered cats were prisoners in my bedroom for 2 days and have no idea why. I went up and down the basement stairs hundreds of times, which I guess was good exercise, but the mental toll it took was exhausting. 

2 hours into the service call (he got here around 10 am) the boiler started operating and heat began to flow. Hearing the whoosh of the burner lighting and seeing the puffs of exhaust float by the window were music to my eyes and ears ! Hearing the tinny sounds of metal registers expanding and contracting as hot water started to flow through them was icing on the cake ! It took cutting the exterior air intake off and allowing the boiler to take air in from within the basement to get it to work. That was just the first step. I paid the guy that came on Thursday over $200 for a new control board, which turned out to be the wrong model and is useless to me. I gave it to the guy that came today and he put the old board back in for now. It turns out my unit is still under warranty, so Laars is sending a new control board at no cost. He worked over the phone with Laars to do the job right and he will be back to install the new board and redo the venting properly another day. Right now, the boiler is working better than it ever has and that is all that matters to me. It still exhausts to the outside so there is no danger of carbon monoxide buildup. I am hoping and praying this is the last winter I have trouble with this unit. It helps that the guy that came has extensive training on Laars equipment and has a Laars unit in his own home ! 

He left around 1 pm and the temp slowly started to come up in the house. At 2 pm it was at 57 degrees and at 3 pm it was at 59, so I continued camping out in my bedroom with the cats. They'd have preferred to roam the house but I kept them with me until the house was warmer. I spent the time watching more Christmas movies on Hulu while the cats snoozed. Hot water heat takes some time to get up to temperature, so I knew the reheating would take a while. I went to the basement every hour to check things out and make sure it was working as expected. One thing I noticed is I'm getting super hot water much faster than I ever have ! I'm starting to realize that all I've been through with this boiler over the past few years could have been prevented if they had just vented it properly. Wow. Just wow. Needless to say, the guys that installed it will never get another dime from me !

At this point I'm still trying to decompress from the past few days. I'm holding my breath a little, hoping and praying that I won't have any more heating problems. I'm hoping that I won't spend another winter constantly checking on the boiler to ensure it's operating. My house is actually warmer than it has ever been in winter. The boiler has basically been starved for air all this time ! I feel like I finally found a reputable, qualified and responsive heating service and I won't call anyone else again. All I have ever wanted in life is peace of mind. It seems like it comes and goes in my life and maybe that is normal, but it sure seems like it goes more than it comes !! This guy even texted me on Tuesday to make sure everything was working well and to reassure me that he'd be back with the control board and to fix the venting, since the current setup is temporary. Considering he hasn't been paid I have no doubt he'll be back ... lol ! The guy that came first and charged me $480 hasn't bothered to even ask if I still need help. Turns out he used to work for the guy that solved the problem. This guy advised me to NEVER let "D" back into my home because he doesn't know what he is doing. He actually said "he worked for me for 2 years and that was 18 months too long". Ouch ! He needn't worry .. I know who I'll be calling for heating issues going forward !

As soon as the house was warm enough I took a long hot shower - the first in days ! My shower curtain actually fell down during the night so I had to fix that first. I guess the walls contracted from the cold and down came the rod and the curtains ! Never has a shower felt so good ! By 7 pm the temp in the house had made it to 66 degrees and I knew that I was finally going to get a good nights sleep. 

I went out yesterday for an eye doctor appointment and a trip to the grocery store. It was good to get out of the house ! I have inherited the task of making chocolate and banana cream pies for Thanksgiving. My mother did this for as long as I can remember. I miss her every day and she will be dearly missed by all of us at the Thanksgiving table. A couple years ago I started making the stuffing like my dad used to make, so my mom and dad will both be represented at the Thanksgiving table. Our family also lost a dear friend of over 30 years a couple weeks ago, so we are grappling with that loss as well. I thought 2022 was going to be a good year but it ended up being just terrible. My weight has ballooned and that is not helping things. I plan to reign myself in and start 2023 off by working my way back to a healthy weight. 

At the start of 2019 I made 3 resolutions: lose the weight, stop spending money at the casino and eliminate my credit card debt. Those were lofty goals but I lost the weight and I eliminated my credit card debt. I continued spending at the casino, so that goal was a failure. In the end I decided to just enjoy the casino time with my mom. The casino was her happy place and I have a lot of fun memories of our trips. I knew that one day she would be gone and I have no regrets. I never spent more than I could afford.

I give myself credit for paying off my credit cards and keeping them paid off. I use one card for most everything (nobody wants cash anymore!) and I pay the full balance every month. I've racked up a ton of reward points. That was a 100% achieved resolution. After my mom passed away I did go to the casino a few times. The last time I was there I sat alone in Upstate Tavern and had my favorite meal and a dessert that my mom and I always shared. I didn't know it at the time, but it was the last time I went there. I haven't been in about 6 weeks and I don't miss it. With the current state of the economy I'm happy to just bank every extra penny !

For 2023 I'm resetting the weight loss and fitness goals. It's time to stop eating my feelings. Before she passed, I promised my mother I would get back to my goal weight and I intend to fulfill that promise. I don't like the way I look and I don't like the way I feel. I've had to buy some "plus sizes" clothes and I am really unhappy with myself. 

Sigh. Before I get back to working on my weight I have to get through Thanksgiving and Christmas. I'm looking forward to spending tomorrow with my family. I made my pies today and prepped the stuffing by cooking the sausage-onion-celery mixture and shredding the bread. All i have to do tomorrow is add a few more things, mix it up and toss it in the oven. The stuffing is actually my favorite item so I always make a huge batch so I can freeze some. I freeze small squares and have one with my Nutrisystem turkey dinners ! 

One thing I've struggled with lately is carbohydrate cravings and I've come to realize that a lack of protein is causing that. I haven't been drinking my protein shakes because I haven't been exercising, which is stupid. I also haven't been drinking enough water. I haven't been eating salad either because of the lettuce shortage. I have to figure out some other veggie options because they're necessary to keep you feeling full. When I started Nutrisystem I used to eat a gigantic salad every day. I'm hoping that the new lettuce crop will be available by January. I started my original Nutrisystem journey on January 4, 2019 so it's only fitting that I "officially" start it again on January 4, 2023. Between now and then I'm going to work hard to eliminate the junk food and start getting back into my exercise routine. This will all be informal and designed to make the transition easier on January 4. 

The past 5 months have been incredibly hard. I've been lonely before but this is a different kind of loneliness. Life has changed forever and I don't really know what comes next. I have a great family but they all have their own families and their own lives. Still .. they keep me going. I had my annual pasta dinner on 11/13 and the tradition here is that I decorate for Christmas. I was not in the holiday mood and it took everything I had to get the job done. Honestly, if they didn't come for dinner I probably wouldn't have even bothered to decorate. I didn't even feel like cooking but in a sad twist, I didn't need to cook much. The day before our planned dinner we attended the funeral for that family friend I mentioned. There was a very nice luncheon afterwards at a nice Italian restaurant and there was a ton of pasta and meatballs left over. The family already had a ton of food that friends and family had brought so I was asked to take the pasta and meatballs home. It felt weird but in the end I went ahead and took it. I added some seasonings, bought some mozzarella and turned it into baked pasta. Then I cooked some sausage to accompany the meatballs and added a couple jars of sauce. I have to say .. it was delicious ! It was a bit less work and in reality it was a break that I needed. Everyone came and had a great time. I think we all needed it.

While I was feeling sorry for myself all weekend I had time to think about the good things in my life. My family is number one but I'm glad to still have an amazing job that I love. I hope to keep it for a few more years ! So many people are losing their jobs right now and I do not want to start over. I'm coming up on 38 years and I'd like to work another 5 years. We shall see ! 

This heating disaster made me realize that winter is just starting and I am not prepared. I don't do well in the cold and the darkness and with my mom gone it's going to be harder to motivate myself to even leave the house. I think refocusing on my weight and fitness is going to be key to maintaining my sanity until Spring !

For now, I plan to enjoy the holidays and look forward to getting my weight back on track. I'm also planning some home improvements in the new year so I'll be working on the details of that project. My mom always said you have to keep busy so that's what I'm going to try and do.