A Thousand Moments

 

Saturday was the hardest day of my life. Saturdays are supposed to be my casino day with mom. Instead, we laid my beautiful mother to rest. She suffered a stroke on July 6 and just wasn't able to overcome the damage it did. She slipped away peacefully on August 8 with family by her side. We take comfort in knowing she is no longer in pain and no longer suffering. She is with my dad again and we will miss her terribly, just as we've missed my dad these past 10 years. The stroke came out of the blue, as they often do. Our family spent 4th of July together and mom got up early that day and made her famous chocolate and banana cream pies. We had a great day listening to music, eating too much and playing games. We certainly never expected it to be the last holiday we spent with her. I'm glad we made a bit of a big deal out of her birthday this year and took her to the steakhouse at Turning Stone casino. We never expected it to be the last birthday we spent with her either. Mom was all about family and we are blessed to have many, many memories to cherish. We even had our first outdoor movie night at my niece's house in June! We made s'mores and laughed through Robin Williams movie "RV". Mom and I had never seen it, so it was a lot of fun. Mom always enjoyed our game nights too. There's definitely a big hole in all of our lives now.

I'm not sure how I will go on without her. I've been to the casino a few times in the past few weeks and it's not the same. Her last visit to the casino was July 2 and she came home a winner. I'm glad her last visit was a memorable one. We were supposed to go to the casino the day she had her stroke, as I was on vacation. I'm going to be a bit of a lost soul even though I know my family is there for me. I always had to text mom when I got home, so she'd know I was safe. She worried about me out on the roads after dark and she worried about me living alone. Now there will be no more trips to Boscov's, our favorite department store. No more trips to Costco for the roasted turkey she loved. No more Friday pizza nights. I know every child says their parent was the best ... but my mom really was the best. She spent her entire adult life raising and caring for our family and we are the people we are today largely because of the example both she and my father set.

So, I am starting yet another new chapter in life. It's going to be the loneliest one. There was a time in my life where I could be in a room full of people and feel completely alone, and I am back there now. I've seen a lot of my family over the past few weeks and that will continue as we go through mom's things and prepare the house for sale. That helps keep me out of the dark place. Once the "busy work" is done and life settles back down I know I'm going to be in trouble. The loss will hit me the hardest once there is nothing left to be done. I don't think I can continue the solo casino trips and that's ok. I have some ideas for other things that will keep me busy. I know I will withdraw into myself if I don't do something, so awareness and having a plan is necessary.

Needless to say, there has been zero focus on getting my weight back under control. Addressing that is part of the plan to stay sane because it will give me something to do. I've gained a lot of weight but I'm not ready to share details. This was an issue long before my mother became ill, and I've started and stopped quite a few times over the past few months. I restarted Nutrisystem yesterday but I'm taking it one day at a time. I went to bed hungry last night and to be honest, I was happy about that. I stuck to the program 100% and you SHOULD be hungry the first week. Mom was so proud of me for losing the weight and she was right there encouraging me to get back on track, because she knew how unhappy I was with myself. So, although I'm doing this for me, I'm also doing it for mom. 

I've been on a bit of a social media break for a while and I have to be honest - I don't miss it. I would delete Facebook but that would cut me off from many former co-workers, extended family members and acquaintances that I enjoy keeping up with, even if we're not in direct contact. Instagram just doesn't have that and I'm not a fan of Twitter. Life carried on as it had for years - work all week, casino with mom on Saturday and grocery shopping on Sunday. I was on vacation Memorial Day week and had the bright idea to rake up many years' worth of leaves in the back of my yard. While I did that, I also pulled up miles and miles of vines. Well, those "vines" turned out to be poison ivy! Yep - my old childhood nemesis struck again! I spent weeks in misery while that healed. I lived on Benadryl for relief and to get some sleep! The yard looks a million times better, but I bought a bottle of weed killer to address the weeds and I won't let the leaves accumulate again! I also took in a baseball game this summer and that was a lot of fun. We have tickets for "Bark In The Park" on September 6 and that should be a lot of fun too. Imagine a ball game where everyone brings their dog! We need some fun times right now. I also took in the new Elvis movie - totally loved it and can't wait to get the Blu-Ray in September!

Keeping busy is going to be the key, especially with winter approaching. We're already seeing cool nights and mornings and it's still August! I am not looking forward to giving up my days working outside on the front porch. Thanksgiving and Christmas won't be the same either. Mom loved all of our holiday gatherings, but Christmas was her favorite. She handed off cookie baking duties a couple years ago, but she was right there to supervise! Mom would get a bit down in the dumps in late winter and I have the same issue. I'm pretty convinced we both suffered from Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and I've talked about this before. I plan to try light therapy this year (note to self: get that unit ordered!) to see if it helps. Stay tuned!

So, this is where I am. Adrift in a sea of uncertainty. Sad. Lost. Lonely. Devastated. Numb. But I'm also hopeful and blessed and determined. This isn't the first storm. It won't be the last. Somehow, some way, I will find a way through. My mom always said you have to keep busy and that's what I'm trying to do. Recommitting to Nutrisystem and fitness will keep me occupied. Focusing on the things I can change keeps my mind off all the things I can't change.

I titled this post "A Thousand Moments" because I feel like that is what life is .. a series of moments. I have thousands of moments with mom to look back on but I wanted a few thousand more. All I can do now is pull out a memory here and there and remember the good times. My dad has lived in our memories for the past 10 years and now mom has joined him. We're fortunate to have so many good memories of both of them. This is the day that every child knows will come but you're never ready for it. It's always too soon.