The Start of a New Year

“The best things in life are the people

 we love, the places we've been and the

 memories we've made along the way."

Yesterday I celebrated a "major" birthday (60) so today really is the start of a new year. I'm sad my mom wasn't here to celebrate with me. She did leave me a gift, purchased before her passing, so that has special meaning. I spent the day at the NYS Fair with my sister and it was nice to get back to this pre-COVID tradition ! Saturday my family surprised me with a dinner cruise on Skaneateles Lake. It was a perfect day and again, we were sad that mom wasn't there to enjoy it with us. I am sure she was with us in spirit. It's the best birthday I've ever had and only my mom's presence could have made it better. Sunday my niece and I went to Turning Stone casino and had a wonderful dinner at Pino Bianco. This was my first "birthday weekend" ! I didn't win at the slots but I had a great time !

Life has changed since mom passed. It's lonely, to be honest. The casino trips aren't the same. I eat in the food court now because going to a restaurant alone isn't really my thing. The food court is cheaper, and I tend to eat less. Since I work from home, I have to get out on the weekends, so I'll probably continue with my solo casino trips. You get used to the "new normal" and life does go on. That's what I keep telling myself. It would be all too easy for me to withdraw into myself and I already wasted so many years. I've spent a few Saturdays working with my siblings to go through mom's house and prepare it for sale. It's a sad job but a necessary one. It feels a little mercenary to take mom's things, but they are memories. We've donated quite a lot so I hope someone finds joy in those things. I'm fortunate to have a family that gets along so there is no arguing, and we're all fortunate to not "need" anything, so it's been an orderly transition. My parents bought the house in 1962, the year I was born, so it'll be sad to see it go. One thing I've learned through this process is that I need to get my own affairs in order. I have no will and I've done nothing to protect my assets - so that is #1 on my To Do list.

On the Nutrisystem front. Well. Recent events haven't helped BUT they really have nothing to do with where I am. My whole "routine" is off-kilter and has been for a while. I won't use my mom's death as an "excuse", that is for sure ! I'm working as hard as I can to get back to some semblance of "normal" and I've lost 10 pounds (again!), but my exercise program is not where I want it to be. I haven't been pushing myself very hard and I have to dig down deep and start changing that. It's always something that throws me off track. Birthday weekend .. State Fair yesterday .. next it'll be Thanksgiving .. then Christmas and before you know it a new year will be here. At what point do you say enough is enough ? I'm too easy on myself and can find 100 ways to justify things in the moment .... only to regret them later. So even now, nearly 4 years since I started this "journey", I still have a lot to learn and a lot of behaviors to change. I guess that gives me something to focus on ... when I can focus. Right now I'm still drifting a bit and trying to re-center myself. Some days I wonder "why bother" because we're all going to die anyways .. and then I remind myself how much better I feel ! Carrying around 304 pounds was not easy and I definitely feel the excess I am carrying now !!! So eating whatever I want, whenever I want, is not the answer. Before she passed away I promised my mother I would get back to my goal weight so now I not only need to do it for me .. I need to do it to keep that promise. I will do it. I'm not sure how long it will take and that's ok. What else do I have to do ? 

Life will get better, that I know, so all is not lost. I'll get the weight off and I'll get back to the same level of fitness. I'll also try to be more social. A former colleague tried to get me out strawberry picking and then cherry picking this year but the timing was just off in both cases. She probably has no idea how touched I was that she even asked. Perhaps next year I'll get that chance again ! I also have some home improvement projects in mind and that's going to be a big undertaking. It's long past time for the exterior of my home to look as nice as the interior ! I may not get the work started until Spring but I can plan and get estimates anytime. I feel like some of my issues with food are related to plain old boredom. When I'm busy I don't think about eating, so it's time to get busy ! There is so much I can do, so the days of moping on the couch are coming to a close. Today might not be that day but tomorrow is 24 hours to "get it right". It's Friday too .. so there is that, lol ! I feel like I can start fresh on Monday, so I have the next couple of days to mentally prepare myself to snap out of it.

Yesterday my sister brought me a card she picked up at the fair the previous day. It said "I survived because the fire inside of me burned brighter than the fire around me". She said it reminded her of me. Spot on. I am a survivor.