I'm Still Here

"I've learned over and over that life happens on its own terms, not mine."

It's been a while since I've written. I've been on a bit of a social media break because it was becoming too distracting AND it was demotivating my efforts to get back on track with diet and exercise. I wish I could say I've been completely successful. Truth is, I haven't. My weight is still not where I want it to be, nor is my exercise program. Plain and simple, I let myself go this winter and the journey back is NOT as easy as I thought it would be. Yeah, there were things going on that contributed to my desire to indulge in overeating, but that's really just another in a long line of excuses. Plenty of people cope in other ways. Food is not the only answer. I plan to take steps next winter to avoid a repeat but for right now the focus is on getting the extra pounds off and getting back to my same level of fitness. Sounds easy after everything I've already accomplished but it's just as hard to lose 30 pounds as it is to lose 150. Never again will I criticize someone who says "I'm so fat - I need to lose x pounds" ... because I am RIGHT THERE with them ! 

So how did I get here ? Well, lots of little things add up to big things. I let myself indulge in sweets over the holidays and it just escalated from there. Letting those sugar cravings wake up was a BAD thing ! I went back to snacking in bed at night. I went back to buying chocolate. I ate whatever I wanted if I was dining out. Trips to DQ became a habit on Sunday after grocery shopping. The mini blizzard as a treat became a medium blizzard AND fries AND a huge burger. I used 1001 excuses not to exercise. It's too cold. I'm tired. I don't have my shoes on. (don't laugh, I've used that excuse more times than I care to admit). I was also  working long hours for a time and although I don't regret that, I do regret using it as an excuse not to exercise and to eat whatever I wanted. Even after the long hours ended I still had excuses. It's clear to me that my relationship with food is still not where it needs to be. My relationship with ME is also not where it needs to be. I was fooling myself thinking I could just do whatever I wanted and the pounds wouldn't magically pile back on. So I don't yet have the balance (or discipline) necessary to maintain.

I started Nutrisystem on January 4, 2019 and I remain committed to the program. I reached my goal weight on July 23, 2021 and lost over 150 pounds. After taking a break from exercise to focus on work I gained a bit of weight back. 30 pounds to be exact ! On December 28, 2021 I started working on getting back to my goal weight but that didn't last. I started and stopped so many times, and even gained more, but I'm finally on track now ! The next milestone in this paragraph will be the day I get back to 150 or less pounds. I started this "new" blog since the journey I started back in 2019 is over and I'm transitioning to my new life. 

I'm still following the Nutrisystem program. That is the good news. I've rolled back the extra snacks that had snuck back into my diet. Saturday is my day out with mom so I do take in a few extra calories, but I've cut out the specialty coffees (I was having 2), the bakery snacks and dessert with my meal. No more DQ after the grocery store and no more "treats" from the grocery store.

So today I had a Nutrisystem cherry cheese roll for breakfast, along with a yogurt. I had my vanilla protein shake before lunch and lunch was roasted veggies and a Nutrisystem hamburger. Afternoon snack was the usual cottage cheese and 2 oatmeal cookies. The cookies meet the Nutrisystem guidelines but they are not a Nutrisystem product. Dinner was roasted turkey medallions and roasted veggies. I also allowed myself a small glass of wine. Evening snack was a chocolate cupcake.

Nothing earth shattering has happened since I last wrote. Work all week, casino on Saturday, grocery store on Sunday. Mom had some health challenges recently (not COVID) but she's back to her old self and doing well. I've actually spent the last couple of months trying to figure out where I went wrong and working on getting back to where I was last Fall. Today was the first time I felt like some of my treadmill endurance was returning. I've struggled quite a bit with that because I wanted to be able to hop on the treadmill and go at my old pace. Well, with the extra pounds that wasn't happening and since I had been lax for so long it wasn't happening, and that was so frustrating. I lost sight of the fact that it had taken a lot of hard work to get to where I was and it wasn't going to magically return overnight. I needed to put in the hard work again and it took me a long, long time to accept that. Some days I lapsed into the "why bother" mentality and didn't exercise, so I've been up and I've been down. In the end I started doing workouts geared for beginners because in reality I am a beginner again. That was the turning point. I wish I could say that happened weeks ago but in reality it's only been about 2 weeks. Every day gets a little easier and I can push myself a little harder, but I still have a long way to go. Instead of focusing on intensity I'm focusing on getting my heart rate into the fat burning zone. The transition to the cardio zone will happen naturally over time as my endurance progresses, but I'm not there yet. Most of my workouts are 25-33 minutes and that's a manageable timeframe right now. I lost 4 pounds this week so I'm doing something right ! 

I've had a lot of time to think about what I've done right and what I've done wrong. Winter is hard for me so I'm going to try light therapy when the sunlight of summer fades away. The dreary cold days of winter really drag me down so I have nothing to lose by trying it. I feel so much better now that the snow is gone and warm sunny days are coming. I've been able to spend a few afternoons working out on the front porch and that makes me so happy. Sunday was a beautiful day and I spent 3 hours washing and waxing my car in the driveway. Yeah - total treadmill avoidance but good exercise anyways !! The sun really does make me feel better.

So what did I do right ? Well, I never stopped following Nutrisystem. I do like the food and in spite of COVID they've kept the deliveries coming AND my price is locked in ! They did discontinue some of my favorite products but this week I found out my beloved buttermilk waffles are back. Funny story there - they had a sale on breakfast items about a month ago so I ordered 30 packages of waffles and 10 of pancakes. They sent me 40 pancakes and no waffles, and when I contacted customer support they said the waffles were discontinued. Bonus there is they offered to send me the breakfast items of my choice to make up for it, so I got 15 cherry cheese rolls and 15 cinnamon rolls free. Then the waffles came back ! You can't even imagine how happy that makes me !! What did I do wrong ? Well .. lots of things. I bought a lot of snack items I shouldn't have and I went a little crazy with chocolate. I was sabotaging my efforts every single day. I was falling back into the "I'll worry about it tomorrow" mentality. I was really just spiraling out of control and powerless to stop it. I wasn't really trying to exercise and I found 100 excuses every day not to. I didn't have motivation and I didn't have consistency. I'm slowly climbing out of the abyss and starting to feel encouraged. I know I can do it - I did it before. Still, I'm pretty disappointed in myself because I did all the things I said I wouldn't do. I hate the way I feel and I'm not happy with the way I look. I've kept this to myself all this time mostly out of shame, but it's important for me to put it out there and take ownership - mostly because I don't want to find myself right back here next year ! I could throw 100 "reasons" out there but in the end they would all be nothing but an excuse. There is only one person to blame for where I am and that is me.

So I'm doing better now but I'm not quite there. I really want to get back to working out before work each morning. I'm also struggling with getting workouts in on weekends. I'm ok with taking Saturday off but my Sunday's are a little too lazy. I also want to get the Total Gym back into rotation. I struggled a bit there because my left shoulder was bothering me quite a bit. It's pain free now so I feel like a slow and careful return to the Total Gym would be beneficial. Just like the treadmill, I'm going to have to start off slow and easy. I still remember my first Total Gym workout - I did a lot of damage to myself because I overdid it. I've logged 134 workouts on the treadmill so far and I have a long way to go if I want to reach 250 by June 30th. My goal for the year is 500 ! It is a completely reachable goal if I try hard enough, so we'll see. Right now I try to put in the most effort during my lunchtime workout because I have more energy. Some nights I can push myself on the treadmill after work and some nights it's an effort just to walk, so I choose my workout based on my energy level. Tonight it was 8:30 when I got on the treadmill and the long slow 33 minute walk I planned turned into more of an endurance power walk with increasing speed. The great thing about iFit is you can override the trainer settings and go at your own pace. In this case the trainer was jogging so I had to slow it down, but I didn't go as slow as I expected to. I was able to dig a little deeper and push myself to break a sweat and breathe a little harder ! It's always a victory when I say I can't do it and then prove myself wrong ! Needless to say, I'm looking forward to a nice shower before bed !

So there you have it, if you've wondered. There's where I am. Life hasn't really changed in the past couple of months. In spite of the challenges with my weight I really can't complain. My life is truly blessed and I feel so fortunate. The world seems to get crazier by the day so I am more grateful every day. I think back to where I was on this day in 2017. Life was not good. My life was a disaster in so many ways and I never in a million years thought it would get better, but it did. By some miracle it did and I will never stop being thankful for that. I am loving working from home full time and I've settled in to the new responsibilities our team took on and I am never bored. My work days fly by ! 

On that note, I'm flying off to the shower and then bed. My new tv obsession is a You-Tuber that goes by the name NG Slots. This guy livestreams himself playing the high limit slots in Vegas and it's pretty fun to watch. I don't miss DirecTV at all ! I love having Disney+ streaming service but I watch You Tube a lot these days ! I always laughed at my mom when she talked about watching people on You Tube playing the slots ... and here I am hooked on it !!!  LOL