Tired Soul

"Sleep doesn't help if it's your 

soul that's tired."

Truth. My soul is definitely tired. The slide started long before my mother passed away but since her passing it's accelerated and seems to have no bottom. Mom's stroke was 3 months ago and she's been gone 2 months now. Some days it doesn't seem real - you wake up and have to wonder for a minute if it was a dream. My childhood home goes on the market tomorrow and that makes the loss that much more real. I've come to realize that mom's passing affected me more than I thought and today I resolved to fight my way out of the abyss. I thought maybe I was depressed but it's really not that. I'm certainly sad that my mom is gone but I can't blame where I am on depression. Really, I feel adrift more than anything else. My life hasn't changed that much but on Saturday's mornings I used to roll out of bed and look forward to those casino trips with mom. Those Saturdays became solo adventures in July and the last time I was there (about a month ago) I sat in Upstate Tavern eating alone and wondering why I was even there. I always used to say I only went there because mom wanted to go. Well, that's not true. I enjoyed the outings just as much as mom did, but it's not the same anymore AND with the current state of our economy it makes no sense to throw my money away on gambling. 

Losing mom was devastating to our entire family but we all happy she is no longer suffering and that she has been reunited with my dad, who she missed every day since he passed in 2012. Letting the house go is hard but we will carry all of our memories in our hearts. We've also all carried some of mom & dad's things to our own homes, so a little piece of them is with all of us. This week we also lost a dear family friend, someone we've known for over 30 years. I have Friday off and I'll be attending a wake. My Saturday casino day will be spent attending a funeral. Yet another family grieving a devastating loss. On the bright side, I'm hosting my family for our annual pasta dinner on Sunday. 

As I shared a while back, I failed miserably at keeping the weight off. I've gained over 80 pounds. Yes, you read that right. I can't even tell you how disappointed I am in myself. The more weight I gained, the more I ate and the more unhappy I became. The treadmill has sat idle. The Total Gym is gathering dust. Last night I sat in this very spot and ate an entire box of Milk Duds and a handful of Tootsie Rolls. I also had half a pizza for dinner. Saturday it was 4 doughnuts. Since the Halloween candy came out I went through 2 giant bags of candy bars. All the while continuing to pay $300 a month to eat Nutrisystem food for most of my meals. What. An. Idiot. 

Well, today I woke up with just a tiny bit more determination than I've been able to muster in a long, long time. Today I was determined to start fighting my way back. Today I was determined to exercise. Today I was determined to eat 100% to Nutrisystem guidelines. Today I was honest to get back to being happy. To be honest, I've had zero "determination" to do anything other than stuff my face for a long time. There is more than my mother missing from my life. I realized that feeling was missing .. again. I'm back to just being numb. Not happy, not sad, not anything. Just numb. I've insulated myself (again!) against anything that might hurt or be difficult. It doesn't help that my employer is letting people go again and I don't know yet know my fate. I'd like to think it won't happen to me, but I've seen too many amazing people be let go over the years. Ironic that not long ago I had a conversation with my boss and told her that for the first time in 37 years I actually felt valued as an employee. And I wonder why I have a hard time feeling happy ? I'm right back to being afraid to be happy because the bottom always falls out.

In spite of all that, I had that Nutrisystem breakfast today. I had that Nutrisystem shake. I had that salad and Nutrisystem lunch. I had that Nutrisystem snack. I had that Nutrisystem dinner with a whole bag of riced cauliflower. I'm anticipating that Nutrisystem dessert before bed. I treated myself to a zero calorie diet soda with dinner. Found an old, old favorite at Walmart yesterday - Fresca ! I used to love this soda and it was a favorite of my dear friend Mary, who is no longer with us. Fresca is grapefruit flavored and really refreshing so I'm glad I've rediscovered it. The test for me will be getting through the night without touching the other 2 boxes of Milk Duds (yes, I bought 3 boxes) or the Christmas candy I bought yesterday to fill the 3 candy dishes that were my mother's. Why buy Christmas candy now ? Well, I always decorate for Christmas before my annual pasta dinner. My plan is to encourage my family to take candy home with them ! There is also the matter of the remaining pizza half. That may be destined for the freezer.

Lack of exercise is a huge part of this issue. My treadmill has sat idle for too long and today I was able to get two 20 minute workouts in. I'm not going to lie - it was hard but it felt so good ! I'm actually looking forward to tomorrow's workouts. I feel like I have the mindset now to work my way back and get the weight off again. Will I keep it off ? Well, that is the plan but I can't promise anything. 

Today I took a picture of my "70 pound" bear from Nutrisystem. I need to lose 6 pounds to earn him back. My goal is to do that by Saturday and then start working on earning back the 80 pound bear. I have a long way to go and I know it's going to be an uphill battle since Thanksgiving and Christmas are around the corner. I thought about waiting until "after the holidays" but that's just another excuse. If I wait I'll just keep gaining, so why not start moving the scale back in the right direction now and making more of an effort not to go crazy on the Christmas cookies ? 

January 4, 2023 will be 4 years since I started Nutrisystem. I reached my goal weight last year and I'm sad that I won't be there when that day rolls around in 2023. My hope is that I'll be well on my way. I have a closet full of nice clothes that I can't currently wear and I am not going to replace them all with plus size again. I had to break down and buy a few things because nothings fits and that just devasted me. I spent so many years being fat and unhappy and I'm back there again. I'm embarrassed. I'm ashamed. I'm angry at myself. So many emotions. 

As the quote goes, my soul is tired. I've mourned mom and it's time to get back to work. I promised her I would get back to my goal weight and I have to keep that promise, for her and for me. 

So here we go .. one step at a time. One day at a time.